The Feminist War on Penises

Author Jessica Valenti referenced the Malleus Maleficarum in her article on The Nation’s web site last September 24, 2012. The article was titled Feminism’s War on Penises and examined the lunacy of people like Rush Limbaugh, who responded to an Italian study that reports penises are 10 percent smaller than they were fifty years ago by contending that feminism, feminazis and “chickification” are the cause.

She has a point. The Malleus Maleficarum was uniquely obsessed with what Heinrich Kramer and James Sprenger referred to as the “virile member”, and specifically addressed how witches might use their powers to rob men of their penises (or at the very least make it appear that they had done so).


Part II, Question II, Chapter IVRemedies prescribed for those who by Prestidigitative Art have lost their Virile Members

Part II, Question I, Chapter VIIHow, as it were, they (witches) Deprive Man of his Virile Member.

Part I, Question IXWhether Witches may work some Prestidigatory Illusion so that the Male Organ appears to be entirely removed and separate from the Body.

Valenti goes on to say in her article;

Back in the day when our sisters-in-arms – witches – were being persecuted, the Malleus Maleficarum (kind of a witch-hunter’s guidebook) warned readers of the ways in which we could hide or steal penises. Sadly, feminists traded this important magical power to sea sirens who – to this day – use cold bodies of water to take their prey via shrinkage.

In more modern times, without our witchy powers to take the penis by force, feminists have been forced to use more secretive methods. There’s no reason to hide it anymore… the soybean is our current weapon of choice. You didn’t actually think the feminist/vegetarian link was a coincidence, did you?! I mean, tofu is disgusting – of course we had an ulterior motive there. One brave man figured us out – “Soy is feminizing, and commonly leads to a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion and homosexuality” – but we have the government on our side. So no worries, sisters!

Unfortunately, there are too many men who—despite their penchant for tattooed hipster girls—won’t submit to eating soybean products, so feminists have had to create an additional strategy: we are fucking the hard-ons right off of you. That’s right. You may not know it, but men’s penises actually wilt in the presence of a sexually independent woman.

Valenti warns, “Rush Limbaugh may have let the world know what feminists are actually up to, but his truth-telling will not stop us. Because if our soy/sex plan doesn’t work out, we can always send our underground army of harpies. Don’t make us do it, guys.”


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About Wicasta

Depending upon whom you ask, Wicasta Lovelace is an author, musician, artist, web designer and/or delusional lunatic (which one he is at any given moment depends upon the day of the week, really). You can find him on Google+, Twitter and Facebook. Wicasta is working on several novels and recording music with his band, Windhaven.

2 Responses to The Feminist War on Penises

  1. Wicasta January 13, 2013 at 5:46 pm #

    Not sure which you were offended by; the article here on the web site, or Jessica Valenti’s article at The Nation. If it was the latter, I think understanding that article is somewhat predicated on having a sense of humor. Valenti used humor and ironic sarcasm to skewer Rush Limbaugh for pointing to feminism, feminazis and “chickification” as the cause for the results from the Italian study that reported penises are 10 percent smaller than they were fifty years ago.

    If you’re referring to the excerpts from the “Malleus Maleficarum” which we’ve included here, I doubt anyone would ever have thought of Heinrich Kramer or Jacob Sprenger as “progressive and open” (especially Kramer and Sprenger themselves). Narrow-minded extremists seem to fit the bill. If you’re referencing the work here, perhaps I should point out that the text which was excerpted was written in 1486 and could, perhaps, be expected, given the nature of the “Malleus Maleficarum”, to offend anyone, including “a man who values equality and independence in his relationship with his girlfriend”. But if a 527 year old work can offend, it does, perhaps, provide a glimpse into the reason the word “infamous” is often used to describe the “Malleus Maleficarum”. There’s a reason it is considered by many to be a wicked and evil work. 🙂

  2. A Simple Visitor January 10, 2013 at 7:00 pm #

    I actually googled the name Malleus Maleficarum for spelling and happened to see this article and was offended by it as a man who values equality and independence in his relationship with his girlfriend. It worries me there are such narrowminded extremists who see themselves as progressive and open.

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